I’ll be centering most of this series on us and talking mainly to us survivors/educators. There are portions in each part speaking directly to men learning. LEARNING MEN: you are encouraged to read all parts.
While the following approaches show promise, it's important to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to converting rape apologists into allies.
Effective interventions should be tailored to the specific needs and contexts of the individuals and communities involved—taking into account factors such as cultural norms, social identities, and existing attitudes towards sexual violence. Additionally, ongoing research and evaluation are essential for identifying best practices and refining strategies for engaging men in sexual violence prevention efforts.
Converting Rape Apologists into Allies: A Guide for Survivors and Educators
This series primarily focuses on survivors and educators, with segments directed at men who are committed to learning. Men eager to learn: I encourage you to read every part.
While the methods discussed here are promising, it's crucial to understand that there is no universal approach to transforming rape apologists into allies. Effective strategies must be tailored to the specific needs and contexts of the individuals and communities involved, considering factors like cultural norms, social identities, and existing attitudes toward sexual violence. Ongoing research and evaluation are also essential for identifying best practices and refining methods to engage men in sexual violence prevention efforts.
We need the men to practice ACTIVE EMPATHETIC LISTENING to help them learn. Trying to control the expression/police-tone of survivor experiences is counterproductive to the entire endeavor. It may indicate a limit in their emotional intelligence or awareness/ May indicate a disingenuous or malicious participant.
Remember: Empathy is having to sit in uncomfortable feelings as some one who has benefited from that system and- statistically highly probable - perpetrated themselves. Empathy in this case involves: ACTIVE EMPATHETIC LISTENING, disregarding one’s personal beliefs, biases, privilege, and sucking up and sitting in the discomfort— and bearing it for the sake of someone else's emotional safety and comfort to express what they’ve survived. *** Survivors deserve your dedication.
Deeper in: Experience-informed WARNING and guidance.
Here I’ll highlight common, malevolent tactics used that harm survivors. These are calculated manipulations and harmful tools used to return us to a heightened state of anxiety, firmly plant us back in the amygdala area of our brain for a reason. It's hard to speak from the amygdala and not the full brain.. If we manage to overcome that and keep speaking—- these tactics re-traumatize, gaslight, and otherwise attempt to shut us back up by psychological manipulation.
These are utilized as they were intentionally designed- the default operational system that has been built to perpetuate this system & protect/nurture the perpetrators of sexual violence— and to hell with us victims.
Insight and Guidance for Survivors and Educators
Maintaining Control and Promoting Active Empathetic Listening
Don't let the other person control the conversation: They need to actively and empathetically listen to learn. Policing the tone or expression of survivor experiences is counterproductive and may signal limited emotional intelligence or a disingenuous, malicious participant.
Empathy is key: Sitting with uncomfortable feelings, acknowledging one's own privileges and biases, and bearing discomfort for the sake of someone else's emotional safety is crucial. Survivors deserve your unwavering support and dedication.
Warning: Recognizing Malevolent Tactics
Understanding Harmful Tactics Used Against Survivors
It's essential to be aware of common, malevolent tactics designed to manipulate and harm survivors. These tactics aim to provoke anxiety, trigger the amygdala response, and re-traumatize survivors, effectively silencing them through psychological manipulation. These harmful methods perpetuate a system that protects perpetrators of sexual violence.
Supporting Survivors and Educators
Trust your instincts: Do not let anyone make you second guess yourself. Your experience is valid, and it should never have happened to you. It is NEVER your fault.
Solidarity and belief: Your fellow survivors see you, believe you, and stand beside you.
Navigating Difficult Conversations
Engaging in these conversations carries a risk of negative outcomes. These are the bare minimum standards to avoid using harmful tactics against survivors. Sometimes, the conversational investment is better spent on those willing to listen earnestly.
Setting Boundaries
There is a wealth of information shared on social media and in personal conversations about these challenging discussions. One of my boundaries is not to engage with individuals who don't meet the basic decency standards. I refuse to platform or indulge rhetoric that causes harm. Such behaviors indicate the person is not ready for these conversations, and I will quickly disengage.
Seeking Out Allies
There are people who genuinely want to improve, and I seek them out. We match each other's energy—good faith efforts are met with good faith responses.
Let's proceed with this in mind: the journey is challenging, but together, we can create meaningful change.
**Your experience is valid. It never should have happened to you. It is NEVER your fault!!
***Your fellow survivors see you.
WE BELIEVE YOU, and we're standing right beside you.
This is up to your judgment. We take a huge chance of negative outcomes in these conversations. These are less than the “bear” minimum to avoid using against survivors and may prove the conversational investment should be spared for more assiduous listeners.
There is so much information that has been out on social medias and being shared personally-public and in private-due to the man versus bear conversations. I do not coddle men in these conversations one bit.
One of my boundaries is that I will not engage someone with less than the bare minimum of a decent human being and I will not platform or indulge tactics/rhetoric that may cause harm. Any of these behaviors will indicate the man is probably not ready for these conversations and I will coldly, and quickly.. disengage.
There are people who want to do better and I seek them out. We match energy…Good faith gets good faith.
Tactics That Harm Survivors: Recognizing and Challenging Common Patterns
While there's no official "playbook" for victim demoralization and silencing, there are unfortunately common tactics used to undermine and silence victims. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for challenging harmful behaviors and supporting survivors. Here are some common tactics:
Harmful Tactics to Watch For
Gaslighting: Perpetrators manipulate victims by making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. This involves denying, trivializing, or distorting the victim's experiences, causing them to doubt themselves.
Blame Shifting: Perpetrators shift responsibility to the victim, suggesting they provoked or deserved the abuse. This can include scrutinizing the victim's behavior, appearance, or past actions to justify the perpetrator's actions.
Minimization and Trivialization: Perpetrators downplay the severity of the victim’s experience, treating it as insignificant or a misunderstanding. This dismisses the impact on the victim and suggests they are exaggerating or being overly sensitive.
Social Isolation: Perpetrators isolate victims from their support networks to weaken their resolve. This can involve controlling communication, spreading rumors, or manipulating relationships to create dependency.
Public Humiliation: Perpetrators shame victims publicly to discredit them, often through character assassination. This includes spreading false information, questioning the victim's integrity, or portraying them as unreliable or unstable.
Threats and Legal Intimidation: Perpetrators use threats of legal action or retaliation to silence victims. This includes filing frivolous lawsuits, obtaining restraining orders as harassment, or manipulating the legal system in their favor.
Recognizing these tactics and their harmful effects is vital for supporting survivors and promoting justice and equality. Creating a culture of accountability and empathy, where survivors are believed and supported, is essential for combating victim demoralization.
Why Men Need to Engage in This Work
Men play a crucial role in dismantling rape culture and patriarchy by taking proactive steps. Here’s how:
Educate Themselves: Men should learn about gender equality, the experiences of women and non-binary people, and the effects of patriarchy. Understand rape culture and how it contributes to systemic oppression. Listen to the experiences and perspectives of survivors and marginalized communities.
Promote Survivor-Guided Education: Encourage men to understand the systemic nature of rape culture and patriarchy. Provide factual information, statistics, and resources to support these efforts. Sometimes, ignorance can be countered with education.
Believe and Support Survivors: Take survivors seriously and offer support without judgment. Avoid victim-blaming and minimizing their trauma.
Reflect and Self-Improve: Continuously reflect on personal attitudes and behaviors. Unlearn harmful ideas and work towards personal growth and accountability.
Challenge Societal Norms: Encourage men to challenge traditional gender roles that contribute to toxic masculinity and inequality. Support the work of men actively working against rape culture and patriarchy.
Speak Out Against Sexism: Men should speak out against sexism, misogyny, and violence against women. Challenge jokes, language, and behaviors that perpetuate rape culture. Hold others accountable for their actions and words.
Promote Consent and Healthy Relationships: Advocate for enthusiastic consent in all interactions. Promote communication, respect, and equality in relationships.
Engage in Difficult Conversations: Have open and honest discussions with other men about sexism and rape culture. Be willing to listen, learn, and confront discomfort.
Promote Accountability: Encourage men to hold themselves and each other accountable for their actions. Call out problematic behavior.
Challenge Systems of Power: Men can challenge systems that uphold patriarchy and inequality. Examine societal expectations around masculinity and femininity, and support diverse expressions of gender.
Encourage Self-Reflection and Lead by Example: Model respectful and empathetic behavior. Demonstrate patience and understanding, encouraging others to follow suit.
Redefine Masculinity: Move away from toxic traits towards a more inclusive, empathetic understanding of masculinity. Recognize that ambition is not solely masculine and nurturing is not solely feminine.
Create Safe Spaces for Dialogue: Establish safe spaces for men to discuss these issues openly and without judgment, leading to greater understanding and change.
Engage in Community and Support Initiatives: Participate in community conversations and initiatives addressing sexual violence and promoting gender equality. Support organizations working to end sexual violence.
Be a Safe Accomplice: Actively support women, LGBTQ+ individuals, and marginalized groups in their fight against oppression. Amplify their voices, stand in solidarity, and use privilege to advocate for change.
By combining these efforts, men can contribute to a cultural shift that values equality and respect. Together, we can work towards a society where men are active participants in the fight against rape culture and patriarchy, rather than bystanders or perpetrators.
4o