This will be my first official post on Substack and it’s because I want to expand on a video response I did for TikTok while expanding on one of my Substack “Notes”.
An obtuse man demanding from survivors of sexual violence- that they MUST talk about it in a way that is palatable to him. He demands to be made comfortable in these stories/crimes that he likely (and statistically so) has perpetrated on others. Get ready to sit in your uncomfortability and get accustomed to it. In this space, you can grow. And remember, if it doesn't apply let it fly. You and I, dear readers, are examining experientially-as a collective, about the one collective to its related collective.
Women are realizing through these discussions that men will victimize themselves even in our own stories. Mainly because our trauma is inconvenient to them and because they likely feel shame at having been a part of this damage done to us as the collective feminine. They'd rather wag their finger at us, instead of at themselves or their gender. Men prefer to think that they're the heroes, they're raised to believe that they're the good guy in the story. Rape culture props that idea up, reinforcing it with an almost unbreakable foundation. Dismantling rape culture leaves no man exempt from complicity and action.
Across all social media platforms: chauvinistic men have been using stochastic terrorism, flat out threats of or wishes of violence and death onto outspoken, brave survivors in feminist and survivor spaces.. In their efforts to decenter the issue, I’ve found 3 camps of men in the current discussions of women’s and femme’s safety. The mansplainers, the “nuh uh’s” and the '“but me’s”.
If by some happenstance you were somewhere in space or otherwise unaware: This is all because of a street interview question to random women about a bear and a man. The setting: woods and alone with the preferred one (bear) or the other (a man). RESOUNDINGLY, WE CHOSE THE BEAR.
And the men are not happy with the way that women have thunderously answered.
Even ChatGPT is in favor of our collective well reasoned/ experience fortified decision. For all of the obvious reasons. Men-benefitting from and upholding the patriarchy and rape culture-force their “rugged individualism” onto survivors. Demanding their “right to comfort” and for us to coddle them with how we share our lived experiences.
Your job as men was not to jump in and mansplain why our answer was wrong in your opinion.. Your job was to shut up and listen to why we chose the Bear. SO YOU COULD THEN HOLD YOUR FELLOW MEN ACCOUNTABLE. But you couldn't even do that. You all failed the assignment.. Yes, even you who backed us up and claimed you are “good” men. You don't get to self-bestow safe man or good man on yourself. Your claims still served to decenter and deflect from the crux of the conversation.
I am not going to outline how men can do better or dismantle patriarchy/rape culture because there are plenty of better educators than myself with heaps of educational content-for those who truly want to be on a harm reduction path and dismantle rape culture- for them to consume and learn from. When we give education as survivors, we feel the trauma again. So demanding it or asking it of us is out of bounds. You should seek out femme and femme presenting educators who are doing it on their terms in a way that they feel comfortable doing so. Take advantage of the wealth of experience that is currently circulating. Make sure you visit their profiles and tip their cash apps for the priceless education they’ve provided.
Rape culture is a pervasive societal phenomenon that normalizes, excuses, and even condones sexual violence. While it is a complex issue influenced by various factors, including gender norms, media portrayal, and institutional practices, men play a significant role in perpetuating this culture.
Firstly, the objectification of women by men contributes to the normalization of sexual violence. When women are viewed as objects of male desire rather than autonomous individuals, their consent and bodily autonomy are often disregarded. This objectification is reinforced through media, advertising, and popular culture, where women are frequently depicted as sexual objects for male consumption. By participating in and consuming these portrayals, men reinforce the idea that women's bodies are not their own, thus perpetuating rape culture.
Secondly, toxic masculinity, which dictates that men must be dominant, aggressive, and sexually assertive, contributes to the normalization of sexual violence. Men are socialized to believe that they are entitled to sex and that their worth is tied to their sexual conquests. This mentality can lead to a sense of entitlement over women's bodies and a dismissal of their autonomy and boundaries. Additionally, men who do not conform to these rigid gender norms may face ridicule or ostracization, further reinforcing toxic masculinity and its link to rape culture.
PATRIARCHY HURTS US ALL.
Furthermore, the normalization of sexual violence within male peer groups perpetuates rape culture. Jokes, comments, and attitudes that trivialize or make light of sexual assault create an environment where such behavior is not only accepted but encouraged. Men who speak out against these attitudes may face backlash or accusations of being weak or unmanly, discouraging them from challenging the status quo.
Institutional practices, such as lenient punishments for perpetrators and victim-blaming attitudes, also contribute to the perpetuation of rape culture by reinforcing the idea that sexual violence is not a serious crime and that victims are responsible for their own assaults. Men, who hold positions of power in many institutions, have the ability to challenge and change these practices but often fail to do so due to complicity or indifference.
In conclusion, men play a crucial role in perpetuating rape culture through their participation in and reinforcement of societal attitudes and behaviors that normalize and excuse sexual violence. Addressing rape culture requires men to recognize their own role in perpetuating it and actively work towards challenging and changing the attitudes and behaviors that contribute to it. This includes promoting respect for women's autonomy, challenging toxic masculinity, and advocating for institutional changes that prioritize the rights and safety of survivors. Only through collective effort can we dismantle rape culture and create a society where sexual violence is no longer tolerated or excused.
There's another sub of category in this whole discussion of men who self bestow the title of good man upon themselves and then demand acknowledgment. You are not a good man just because you say you are a good man. Let me talk to your exes, if they say you're a good man, then I'll consider believing it. Until you are dismantling patriarchy and the rape culture that seeks to harm women while protecting men who are the perpetrators of that violence, you're not a good man. You're not even doing the “bear" minimum.
One thing is a bit puzzling to me is how many men clutch their pearls and act so in the dark as to why women would choose a bear- after the story of the four men who were convicted for raping a monitor lizard to death.
According to RAINN and Cal Poly Humboldt, over 99% of perpetrators of sexual violence/sexual assault are men... Even in the 9% of cases that are against other men. LESS THAN 2% EVER SEE CONVICTION OR JAIL TIME.
This is demonstrably a problem rooted in misogyny, dehumanization, entitlement, and marginalization of women and femmes, and shows that men feel entitled to those bodies deemed less than theirs. The shame we feel as survivors is not ours to bear, but for men and perpetrators to carry themselves. Your ignorance is no excuse anymore.
We’re telling you our lived experience. The truth of the world we occupy.
This looks like the kind of place where I can’t as much as begin to open my mouth without being accused of mansplaining or worse, so I’ll just quote the woman who, with some initial reluctance, seems to have become LessWrong’s feminism thought police in the distant past, when the Universe was younger and more naïve, and it had a gigantic lot of precious negentropy we’ll never get back: https://alicorn24.livejournal.com/44922.html
Victimizing yourself in a patriarchal system is laughable when it's obviously you are pro-patriarchy and of the patriarchy. Poor Widdle You can't have what you want in continuing to benefit under a patriarchal system. So you throw a tantrum on strangers' comment sections and tokenize another woman to meet your own defense.
Poor, poor you for having to deal with the fact that you've got your boot on the necks of marginalized people and we're asking you to take it off of our necks. Wow, the audacity of mediocre men. ...